Kevin M. Bean Breaks Down Mourning Process

As an experienced funeral director and certified funeral celebrant, Kevin M. Bean knows that while grief is deeply personal and affects everybody differently, it does tend to share similarities amongst the grieving. Knowing this, and being able to recognize these basic facets of grief, he can help those in mourning both to realize what they are going through and what they can do to make it easier on themselves.

Everybody Grieves Differently

Some people feel grief more intensely than others.

While grief may be broken down into common elements, Bean notes that it is important to remember that these elements will manifest differently from individual to individual. In other words, some people may move through certain parts of the grieving process faster or slower than others. Some may even skip certain parts entirely. Some may feel certain aspects of grief much more intensely than average, while others may barely feel them at all.

“There is no such thing as normal when it comes to grief,” Bean explains. “Like most emotional matters, however you feel will be normal for you. There is no shame and nothing wrong with you if your grief seems too intense, not intense enough, or any other variation on the following themes. These are more like guidelines than absolute truths.”

The Four Grief Phases

There are four stages to the grieving process.

However they manifest and to whatever degree, grief can typically be broken down into four distinct phases. Each one of these phases typically needs to be addressed before mourners can move to the next one and, eventually, out of their grief altogether.

• Phase 1: Numbness – Immediately following a major loss such as the death of a loved one, most people tend to feel a sort of numb, emotionless shock. During this period, other emotions may feel muted if indeed they are felt at all.

This, says Bean, is an emotional defense mechanism that keeps the brunt of despair from overwhelming an individual all at once. Eventually, this numbness will start to fade again once the grief becomes more familiar and, if not easier to accept, harder to ignore.

• Phase 2: Pining – This phase is also referred to as yearning, searching, seeking, and so on. During this phase, says Bean, the numbness has begun to lift only to be replaced by feelings such as confusion, anxiety, and even anger.

During the pining phase, grieving individuals typically experience intense, often painful longing for their deceased loved one to return to them. Inability to accept what has happened and rebellion in the face of loss can lead to a powerful mix of mood swings until the full realization of the loss can settle in.

• Phase 3: Despair – As grief becomes more and more familiar and the loss itself harder to ignore or deny, despair typically begins to set in. Yearning and longing begin to fade, leaving depression and apathy in their wake.

During this phase of grieving, says Kevin M. Bean, individuals often withdraw from their surroundings and everyday lives. They stop taking part in activities that they once enjoyed and distance themselves from others. While this can be worrying to those around the grieving individual, this phase, too, eventually passes.

• Phase 4: Recovery – The final stage of grief is a gradual return to normalcy, at least as much as is possible. As Bean explains, by this stage grief has simply run its course and begins to lift entirely. The individual has worked through the hardest part of their emotions and begun to accept their loss and move on.

Kevin M. Bean Reveals Four Important Tasks to Complete Mourning

There is no preset timeline for grief.

“There is no timeline for grief and no deadline for anybody to finish going through its phases,” Bean remarks. “Some individuals may grieve for a day, some for a year or more, depending on their unique circumstances.”

There are, however, tasks that people need to eventually see to in order to complete their mourning. These tasks, says Bean, are as follows:

• Face and Accept the Loss – “Before we can get anywhere with our grief,” says Bean, “we must first accept the inevitability of our loss. Whoever we are grieving for, we need to admit to ourselves that they are not coming back.”

• Face and Accept the Pain – “Grief is one of the most painful experiences that an individual can go through both mentally and emotionally,” Bean explains. “Running from or ignoring this pain, though, will not help and will only make it worse. Instead, we have to give ourselves permission to feel our pain and let it out if we ever hope to work through it.”

• Adjust to the New Reality – “When we lose a loved one, our lives are changed,” explains Bean. “We have to realize that these changes have occurred and, if necessary, adjust for them. For example, if someone has lost their spouse, they then have to pick up that lost spouse’s responsibilities.”

• Relocate Emotional Attachments – “While we don’t have to completely give up on or forget about our relationships with our lost loved ones,” says Bean, “we do have to relegate them to their appropriate place. We need to reorganize our emotions so that we can move on with our lives. This doesn’t mean letting go of our attachments to the deceased, just filing them away so that they are not the focus of our remaining time with our own lives.”