As licensed funeral director Kevin M. Bean points out, grief and mourning are hard enough on emotionally mature adults. With children, who oftentimes may not understand what has happened or their own emotions on the matter, grief and mourning can present even more challenges, both to their families and to the children themselves.
Children can suffer just as much as adults when a loved one passes.
The Need for Grief Support for Bereaved Children
According to data gathered by the United States Census Bureau, approximately 5 percent of all children in America age 15 or younger will experience the loss of one or both of their parents. Because of this, an estimated 1.5 million American children live in single-family households. This data, however, does not account for those children who lose other “parental” figures such as beloved grandparents or other care giving relatives.
These numbers, says Bean, point to a critical need for proper counseling and support, professional or familial, for children suffering from grief. Unfortunately, he says, this specialized support can often be hard to come by. Even within the child’s own sphere of family and other loved ones, the best way to approach a grieving child can be tricky to figure out.
Because of this, and despite growing awareness of the special needs that grieving children have, many myths and misconceptions still persist concerning how children experience grief and what can best be done about it.
Kevin M. Bean Dispels Common Myths about Childhood and Adolescent Grief
Luckily, says Kevin M. Bean, these false conceptions concerning children and grief are being dispelled, albeit not as quickly or widely as would be ideal. To help in this effort, he addresses some of the most common myths about grief in children and adolescents below. By answering the questions raised by these misconceptions, he says, bereaved children everywhere can better receive the proper care and support that they need in their time of loss.
Myth: Children Should/Should Not Attend Funerals
Should a child be kept away from a funeral?
“The myth in this respect is that there is a single right answer,” explains Bean. “Children, like adults, all handle their grief differently and so should be allowed to grieve in whatever manner best suits them.”
This means that, when it comes to funerals, children should be given a choice in the matter. “Inform your child about their options and support them in their decision,” Bean advises. “Even when very young, they will likely know what the best way to mourn is for themselves.”
Myth: Significant Loss Will Permanently Scar a Child
Children recover from a loss in due time, just like adults.
“This may be true in some unfortunate cases,” says Bean, “but it does not have to be true in all of them. Like adults, children are resilient. A significant loss may have a permanent impact on them the same as any adult, but it does not have to affect their development unduly. With proper care and support, children can work through their grief appropriately and go on to live healthy lives.”
Myth: Very Young Children Cannot Grieve
“Children of any age can grieve,” Bean says.
Grief may look different in children depending on their age, disposition, stage of development, and many other factors. This does not, though, mean that any child is too young to be able to grieve.
“Children of any age can grieve,” explains Bean, “though this grief may manifest in different ways. Typically, very young children will likely grieve very intensely for a time, and then take a break to recharge. During this break period, they may appear perfectly happy and content. This does not, however, mean that they have forgotten their grief. Like in anyone else of any age, grief in children will have its high points and its low points.”
Myth: Loss Does Not Affect Children as Much
Children may mourn just as intensely as adults do.
This myth ties in to the previous one, says Bean. “The truth,” he says, “is that nobody ever truly gets over a major loss, adults and children alike. We can all learn to live with our grief and sadness, and we can readjust our lives to carry this loss without affecting our daily moods. But just as we cannot bring back the departed, we cannot set our grief aside entirely or completely forget the feeling.”
For children, this means that their grief may be revisited at different points in time along their development. As children become more experienced with the world, their idea of loss may change, at which point their grief can resurface anew.
Myth: Talking About Grief is the Only Way to Work through It
Children may find creative ways to mourn that don’t involve direct dialogues with parents.
While the ability to discuss their feelings of grief is definitely an option that every child needs, Bean points out that it is not the only outlet for grief. “Again, we all grieve differently no matter our age,” he explains. “Some children may want to talk about their grief, some may not. For some, talking it out is the best route. For others, their grief may be most positively expressed through other methods such as music, art, and many other creative endeavors.
Funeral Planning Tips From Kevin M Bean 